Burger, Disciple of Subway

Burger/Ranger 6/Beastmaster 2
Small Sized Garden Gnome (Humanoid)/Chaotic Good

Hit Dice: 4d8 + 4d6 + 8 (55 hit points)
Initiative: +5 (+5 Dex)
Speed: 20' (20' base)
AC: 21 (+5 Dex, +5 armor, +1 size), Touch 16, Flat-footed 16
Base Attack Bonus: +8/+3
Base Grapple: +7 (+8 base, +3 Str, -4 Size)
Melee Attack: Magical Greatsword +12/+7 (+3 Str, +1 Size)
Melee Damage: Magical Greatsword 1d10+5 (Crit 19-20/x2)
Ranged Attacks: Magical Composite Longbow +13/+13/+8 (+5 Dex, +1 Size, +1 Magic, +1 Focus)
Ranged Damage: 1d6+4 (Crit 20/x3) + 1d6 acid (crystal)
Face/Reach: 5' x 5'/5'
Special Attacks: Divine Spells, Favored Enemy (Human +4, Elf +2), Improved Ranged Combat Style

Special Qualities: Alertness, Animal Companion (11th), Endurance, Racial Traits (Low Light Vision, +1 on attack rolls against kobolds and goblinoids, +4 AC bonus against Giants, +4 to Hide and Move Silently checks, +2 to Listen and Spot checks), Spell-like abilities: Bark Skin 1/day (10 minute duration), Know Direction 1/day, Pass without Trace 1/day, Speak with Animals 1/day, Tree Shape 1/day (1 hour duration), Track, Wild Empathy

Base Saves: Fort +8, Reflex +8, Will +2
Total Saves: Fort +12 (+3 Con, +1 magic), Reflex +14 (+5 Dex, +1 magic), Will +5 (+2 Wis, +1 magic)

Strength: 16 (+3)
Dexterity: 20 (+5)
Constitution: 12 (+1)
Intelligence: 14 (+2)
Wisdom: 12 (+1)
Charisma: 6 (-1)

Skills: Climb +13 (10 ranks, +3 Str), Handle Animal +11 (10 ranks, -2 Cha, +3 focus) Hide +23 (11 ranks, +4 Dex, +4 racial, +4 Size), Jump +8 (5 ranks, +3 Str), Knowledge (nature) +15 (11 ranks, +2 Int, +2 synergy), Listen +14 (11 ranks, +1 Wis, +2 racial), Move Silently +19 (11 ranks, +4 Dex, +4 racial), Ride +9 (5 ranks, +4 Dex) Spot +14 (11 ranks, +1 Wis, +2 racial), Survival +14 (11 ranks, +1 Wis, +2 synergy)

Feats:
1st: Weapon Focus (Longbow)
3rd: Skill Focus (Handle Animal)
6th: Natural Bond*

Bonus Feats:
Ranger 1: Track
Ranger 2: Rapid Shot (Combat Style)
Ranger 3: Endurance
Ranger 6: Manyshot (Combat Style)

Possessions (magic items are italicized):

Melee Weapon: +1 Magical Greatsword
Ranged Weapon: +1 Magical Composite Longbow
Head:
Face:
Neck:
Back: Vanisher Cloak (Invisible self + pet for 3 rounds or until attacking, 3/day)
Torso: Vest of Resistance +1
Body: Mithralmist Chain Shirt +1
Wrist:
Hands:
Waist:
Feet: Anklets of Translocation (Teleport 10-ft as a swift action, 2/day)

Ring 1: Ring of Feather Falling
Ring 2:
Trinket 1: Lesser Crystal of Acid (+1d6 acid damage)
Trinket 2: Efficient Quiver
Trinket 3:
Trinket 4:

Ammunition:

Quiver Slot 1: Silver Arrows (30)
Quiver Slot 2: Cold Iron Arrows (30)

Spell casting

Base Caster Level: 3

Divine Spells Prepared (DC 11 + Spell level):

1st (1+1) – Hunter’s Mercy (x2) – Your next bow attack after casting this spell automatically crits.

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Bun (Animal Companion)

Size/Type: Large Animal
Hit Dice: 8d8+32 (68 hp)
Initiative: +1
Speed: 40 ft. (8 squares), swim 30 ft.
Armor Class: 23 (-1 size, +1 Dex, +5 natural, +8 plate barding), touch 10, flat-footed 22
Base Attack/Grapple: +6/+18

Attack: Magic Claw +14 melee (1d8+9)
Full Attack: 2 Magic Claws +14 melee (1d8+9) and Magic Bite +9 melee (2d6+5)
Space/Reach: 10 ft./5 ft.
Special Attacks: Improved grab, Magic Fang (attacks count as magic)
Special Qualities: Low-light vision, scent, Link, Share Spells
Saves: Fort +10, Ref +7, Will +3
Abilities: Str 27, Dex 13, Con 19, Int 2, Wis 12, Cha 6
Skills: Hide -2*, Listen +5, Spot +7, Swim +16
Feats: Endurance, Run, Track
Equipment: Plate Barding

The Good, The Bad, and The Sketchy - Lots of Az

In this, the second chapter of The Good, The Bad, and The Sketchy, our heroes - Aldeco the Sorcerer, Burger the Ranger, Martini the Beguiler discovered a lead. While the goblin had, in fact, revealed the complicity of Don Cordon in the recent proceedings and the theft of Az the Sodomizer's statue, they also heard strange and terrifying rumors of a buggery wizard of great power terrorizing the countryside, doing odd things to his victims, especially the sheep.

The group is sent to investigate, and are joined in this endeavor by Sir M.C. Mallet, a crusading street preacher and Mostly Holy Knight of Times New Roman. Traveling without Colonna, they come across rumors of the wizard being sighted in the direction of Mayflower, a town to the south and west. Arriving at said town, the group discovered the place completely devastated - the buildings were charred, and everything, save the church was burnt down. The bodies of the townsfolk, too, were well scorched and lay in a neat pile in the town square.

Skirting the area of devastation, the group approached the church first, where they discovered several survivors - all young children, and a nun, who inform them that a powerful half-elven wizard had attacked the village without provocation. The townsfolk had tried to parley, and even the village priest, a cleric of Times New Roman, had joined in to help, but they were clearly no match. It was only with the grace of the gods that the children had survived.

Sir Mallet frowned upon such a great indignity, and rallied the others to at least give the townsfolk a decent burial. Unknown to them, however, the townsfolk had been turned into zombies and shadows, and the minute the goodly knights approached, they sprang up to attack. It took all their courage and piety to help them prevail. Martini's mind magic was hopeless against the undead, and arrows from Burger didn't do much damage. The strength sapping powers of the shadows, too, proved painful. Fortunately, they won through, but not without blowing up a few more buildings and the town square with fireballs in the process.

Pressing on, they discovered that the wizard had left in the direction of the town of Magnolia, in the direction of the mountains, so they rushed after him. Traveling through the forest, the group encountered a druid of Bud Wiser, who was hunting someone who had desecrated and buggered the cute woodland critters, and warned him that Magnolia was in grave peril. The druid left to warn the town, while the party continued their pursuit.

Eventually, they caught up to the wizard, who turned out to be none other than Az the Sodomizer. However, taking him down proved more of a challenge than they thought. The wizard was rumored to have mastered over 9,000 spells, and was the most powerful caster in the world of Fontia, and it took all their combined efforts to knock him out.

It was only after Az was arrested did they discover that something unusual had happened. This Az was not anywhere near as powerful as the legends claimed he was. Also, he'd lost his mind - it had fragmented into several pieces. They had found the Chaotic part of Az, but the Neutral part, and the Sodomizer part were still out there somewhere.

After reporting back to Lady Ramen, the group gained another lead, as well as a new member - a mostly holy monk, Orly, had volunteered to join the group, and this time they set off for the farming community of Marigold, where there were stories of a buggery creature terrorizing the sheep (again). It sounded very much like Az the Sodomizer, so the group traveled there to find out for sure.

As it turned out, the townsfolk proved incredibly hostile, and were completely uncooperative. However, by throwing about their authority, the group convinced the headman to let them stake out the pastures. True enough, a massive wolf creature attacked that night, and it very nearly spirited away Orly. Fortunately, the group beat the wolf back, and chased it away.

The following morning, the group confronted the headman, who refused to tell them more. Asking around the town, they discovered that an adventurer called Ambrose had been taken ill after vanquishing a goblinoid invasion, and was resting in Marigold. Confronting Ambrose, the group suggested that Ambrose could have been the wolf creature, which Ambrose denied.

They later discovered that Ambrose had disappeared, and resolved to track him down. Information pointed to the resurfacing of a goblinoid horde nearby, and that Ambrose had planned to attack them, and possibly die in the process. The group arrive at the encampment, which turned out to be a cave in the nearby forest, and proceeded to decimate the goblinoids within. Blasting down the barriers with fireballs and lightning bolts, they stormed the cave, only to be confronted by a shaman who was also a werewolf.

After a hard battle (and the loss of a theurge who shall not be named), the group vanquished the lot of them, and discovered that someone named N had planted the seeds of conspiracy, and was instigating the goblinoids to attack the civilized lands, and even provided a means for them to spread the werewolf curse to make their hordes stronger. Ambrose arrived just then, and the group convinced him to return to seek healing from the Mostly Holy Knights.

Subsequently, the party discovered several new leads, none of them good. Don Cordon had discovered some sort of secret that had put something he coveted (presumably Az) in his grasp, while somebody else was working on raising a goblinoid army, and had even started recruiting from within the city.

Through careful subterfuge, Martini discovered that the person raising that army might be Don Cordon (whose name was Nicole), and also that the goblinoids were being mustered to the south, past the town of Periwinkle. As a group, the party decided to infiltrate the town, and put a stop to the goblinoid plans before they could cause any harm. They also figured that they might be able to catch N in the act, and prevent any further incidents of werewolf turning.

Arriving at the town of Periwinkle, the group discovered that the bulk of the townsfolk had been massacred, and that the rest - mainly the young ones and the women, had been corraled into a pit. The party decided there and then to call for aid from Lady Ramen, and then charge through the front gate, using the element of surprise to take out the goblinoids before they could do any worse, and rescue the prisoners at the same time.

The group stormed the gate, where they were beset by were-goblinoid defenders, who swiftly fell to their magic. The shamans that assaulted them after proved a tougher challenge, but were nonetheless dispatched. The group then moved to the pit, where they managed to liberate the prisoners, and got them to hide in a place of safety.

They then moved towards the central longhouse, where the chief of the goblinoids, reported to be a giant wolf, resided. Aldeco tried to spy on the longhouse, and was surprised when the wolf was riled up.

The wolf sprang to attack - it was twice the size and height of the other werewolves, with superior strength and reach. Worse still, it was aided by several shaman, who pelted the group with spells while they split up to engage the large wolf.

The wolf struck powerfully, and battered both Orly and Sir Mallet, even as the others pelted it with powerful spells and arrows. As Sir Mallet fell, the wolf seized him by the leg, and hurled him into Aldeco, knocking both of them out. It then tried to savage Orly, but got clouted in the snout, and electrocuted. Meanwhile, the ranged attackers in the group managed to defeat the shamans, all save one, who dropped his disguise, revealing a darkly cloaked figure in black armor, that promptly teleported away.

That was when the airship with the remaining Mostly Holy Knights arrived to mop up the mess.

What else will our party get up to in their continuing adventures and the hunt for more Az? Stay tuned to find out!

Experience

1. Survivors all reach Level 8.

2. Consolidated Statement of Loot:

a. An Amulet of Vermin (summon a Giant Stag Beetle 1/day for 1 minute)

b. A Belt of Giant Strength +2
c. A Ring of Protection +1 (from one of the dead shamans, +1 Deflection bonus to AC)
d. A Vanisher Cloak (Invisibility for several rounds, 3/day)

e. Staff of the Four Winds - A Cold IronQuarterstaff +1, that also grants either a +2 bonus to AC for 1 round, or Feather Fall, up to 4/day. (looted by Mason)

Orly, the Mostly Holy Monk

Orly / Monk 3 / Sorcerer 4 / Enlightened Fist 1 [Re-Roll: 6/Session: 1]
Medium Sized Human Male (Humanoid) / Lawful Good

Hit Dice: 3d8 + 4d4 + 6 (42HP)
Initiative: +3 (+3 Dex)
Speed: 40-ft
AC: 18 (+3 Dex, +4 Charisma, +1 monk bonus); Flat-footed 15; Touch 18
Base Attack Bonus: +3
Base Grapple: +6 (+3 Base +3 Str)
Melee: Unarmed Strike +6 (+3 Base, +3 Str) or Flurry of Blows +4/+4 (+3 Base, +3 Str, -2 Flurry)
Damage: Unarmed Strike 1d6+3 (+3 Str)
Face/Reach: 5’ X 5’ / 5’
Special Attacks: Arcane Spells, Flurry of Blows, Stunning Fist 4/day
Special Qualities: Evasion, Ki Strike (magic), Metamagic Specialist, Monk abilities

Base Saves: Fort +4, Reflex +6, Will +9

Total Saves: Fort +7 (+4 Base, +1 Con, +2 magic); Reflex +11 (+6 Base, +3 Dex, +2 magic); Will +10 (+9 Base, -1 Wis, +2 magic)

Strength: 14 (+2)/16 (+3)
Dexterity: 16 (+3)
Constitution: 12 (+1)
Intelligence: 10 (+0)
Wisdom: 8 (-1)
Charisma: 19 (+4)

Skills: Balance +10 (5 ranks, +3 Dex, +2 synergy), Concentration +6/+10 (5 ranks, +1 Cons/+4 Combat Casting), Hide +8 (5 ranks, +3 Dex), Jump +9 (5 ranks, +2 Str, +2 synergy), Knowledge (arcana) +5 (5 ranks), Move Silently +8 (5 ranks, +3 Dex), Spellcraft +7 (5 ranks, +2 synergy), Tumble +10 (5 ranks, +3 Dex, +2 synergy)

Feats:
Human: Combat Casting
1st: Versatile Unarmed Strike
3rd: Practiced Spellcaster (Sorcerer)
6th: Ascetic Mage

Languages: Common

Possessions (magical items are italicized): Anklets of Translocation, Cloak of Resistance +2, Gauntlets of Ogre Power, Healing Belt, Ring of Four Winds, Adventuring sundries (100 g)

Gold and Treasure: 5 g

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Class Features:

Spells Known (DC14 + Spell Level, Caster Level 7th)

0th (6/day) - Detect Magic / Read Magic / Mage Hand / Message / Prestidigitation / Light

1st (6+1/day) - Mage Armour / Shield / Shocking Grasp

2nd (3+1/day) - Scorching Ray

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Magical Item Description:

Anklets of Translocation
Teleport up to 10-ft (2 squares) as a Swift action. 2/day.

Ring of the Four Winds
Feather Fall (as spell) or gain a +2 deflection bonus to AC for 1 round. 4/day.

Healing Belt
+2 on Heal; 3 charges, heal damage with touch
1-2d8 points of damage 2-3d8 points of damage 3-4d8 points of damage

The Good, The Bad, and The Sketchy - A new Fontian adventure

In the first instalment of our new Fontian tale - The Good, The Bad, and The Sketchy, our heroes - Aldeco the Sorcerer, Burger the Ranger, Flammenwurfer the Dragonfire Adept, Martini the Beguiler and QQ the Wizard, were deputized by the Mostly Holy Knights of the Holy Empire of Garamond to aid in a matter of great national import - the recovery of a statue belonging to the royal palace.

Intelligence abound that the statue had been stolen from under the noses of Lady Ramen's entourage whilst transiting in Colonna, and that the villains involved were a group of badniks who had doublecrossed one of the Colonnan crime bosses, then absconded. The situation was thorny, and our new deputies had to exercise due discretion when investigating.

After boarding an air ship to Colonna, our deputies reported to Lady Ramen, who led them to Warehouse #23, which had been commandeered as a Mostly Holy Knights outpost in Colonna's seamy Underbelly. There, they were given the opportunity to question Paddy Brownbeard, a ship captain who claimed to be a "Mostly Honest Merchant", but was quickly revealed to be a smuggler who'd turned coat on both Don Cordon and now Boss Cromag, thanks to Martini's clever mind tricks.

They also discovered several leads - firs, that the villains they were chasing had stopped in Maiandra, then departed for parts unknown.

Secondly, the Baker's Guild had relocated to a flour processing plant on the outskirts, after an explosion at their guild house. However, there were rumors that the plant had something to do with Don Cordon, which made it seem "Mighty Suspicious".

Thirdly, there was talk that the villains were seen casing out a local laundry shop, which was also pretty suspicious, since they did a lot of their business at night, and scouts reported shady individuals loitering near it.

Finally, they'd also gotten wind that the villains might have been collaborating with Boss Cromag, and might have to check on the black market boss.

Weighing their options, they decided to visit the flour plant first. En route, they noticed a suspicious goblin sitting on a bench across from Warehouse #23, spying on them through peepholes carved into a sheet of newspaper. Martini approached, casting silence upon the bench. The goblin instantly tried to move away, sidling off as nonchalantly as he could, but was put to sleep immediately by Aldeco's spell.

The group quickly lugged the goblin into Warehouse #23, whilst placating the curious passers-by and claiming that it was watch business.

With that out of the way, they advanced towards the flour plant, which turned out to be on the outskirts of town, in a field of dried grass. It was a forbidding place, surrounded by metallic fences. The group debated for a moment, before finally deciding to take the direct approach. The fence was most assuredly trapped, and they decided not to chance it.

Upon knocking on the door for several counts, a cagey, wild eyed and unkempt dwarf appeared. He was armed with a shotgun, and claimed to be the caretaker of the place. Introducing themselves as investigators from the Mostly Holy Knights, the party demanded to be let into the place to perform an inspection - a task which the dwarf grudgingly agreed to.

The plant, as our heroes discovered, was owned by the Baker's Guild, and was built with three large drums and machinery including conveyor belts and chains that transported goods from the mill to the sifters. The entire basement area was a concrete floor, and the only way to move around the area was on stairways and catwalks.

The party's demands for samples of flour led them to the office of the plant, where they also noticed a picture that showed four people in it - one of them being a rather familiar guy called Cordon Bleu. The group blurted out that this person looked a lot like Don Cordon, a fact which the dwarf denied plainly.

The dwarf then led them towards the stairway - a narrow strip leading to the basement, but as the group followed, he suddenly turned around and yelled "Get em boys!"

Only Burger and Flammen had the presence of mind not to be surprised, and Burger quickly put two arrows into the dwarf. Grappling hooks shot out from the conveyor belts near the vats, and several darkly clad and swarthy workmen showed themselves. The hooks netted Martini and Aldeco, and with a tug, pulled them in the direction of a nearby flour sifter. Fortunately, they had items that helped them fall slower, and this prevented them from instantly falling inside.

The dwarf then unleashed a powerful blast from his shotgun, catching Martini and Flammen with the pellets, while another one of the workers, armed with pistols this time, put two arsenic laced slugs in Flammen. Another worker came up from behind, and did the same to QQ with a rifle.

Aldeco gestured as he floated gently down, and instantly put one of the thugs to sleep, while QQ hurled a spray of glitterdust onto two of them. He managed to coat the sleeping thug, but the other covered his eyes in time, and avoided the worst of the spell. Martini's pet flew down to distract the scoundrels, while he extracted a rod of surprises from his bag, and began to manipulate it.

Flammen breathed a cone of cold on the dwarf, who nimbly danced around it, and countered the attack by pulling out a wand and sizzling Flammen and several others on the catwalk with a lightning bolt. The rogues pressed their attacks, but QQ zapped one of the rogues down with a scorching ray, and Aldeco pelted another with missiles. Burger, too, fired arrows at the dwarf, trying to take the dwarf down. Inside the vat, Martini had extended his magic rod, and Aldeco grabbed on. Using the rod and their weight to counterbalance each other, they stopped their descent, and even swung Aldeco back to the catwalk.

Flammen, reduced to within a sliver of his gnomish life, made a beeline towards the door using his draconic wings. He would have made it, too, except the dwarf blasted him in the back with a second lightning bolt. Flammen instantly charred and turned into a crisp.

However, the tables were turning. Martini seized upon the opportunity to spider climb against the wall of the sifter, and managed to make his way out, while the others proceeded to shoot down the rogues with spells and arrows. Seeing that they slowly losing their advantage, the pistol wielder fled, ducking through a hatch under a nearby stairwell. The dwarf, too, pulled out a grenade, and tossed it in the direction of QQ, before running down the stairs.

Except he slipped on flour, and rolled down awkwardly, bumping himself unconscious in the process.

The grenade exploded, singing QQ in the process, and setting fire to the walkway. The fire spread, and it became obvious that the plant was a very very bad place to be. The group dashed out, and made their way past the fence, to safety. It was just in time too, as fire finally engulfed the building, and the flour reacted explosively. The plant was consumed in a massive fireball that lit up the sky and put out a mushroom cloud a mile high.

As they stood and stared, they heard the sounds of the fire crew from town, who demanded to know what the mess was all about. With some clever questioning, Martini turned the tables, and had the fire chief in charge corroborate that there was in fact no Baker's Guild, and sought their cooperation for an investigation.

Armed with this knowledge, they decided to return to Warehouse #23 to lick their wounds. They were then presented with good news. The goblin they had arrested had squealed, and was willing to become a double agent and spill the beans on Don Cordon.

What new developments would the party discover next week? And would there be any help for Flammen the Fried Waffle?

Stay tuned to find out!

Experience

1. Survivors receive 1,500 xp.

2. You looted a Rifle (1d12 damage, Crit 19-20/x3, range 110-ft, 7 shots) and a Shotgun (3d6 damage in 15-ft cone, no AC, no Save, 1 shot left). These were released to you after being impounded for evidence.

Wicked! The End of the Road

In our seventh (and final) instalment of Wicked! A Fontian Adventure, our villains - Callahan Calamari, Potina, Sir Crayon, Maximilian Facsimile, Thomas Hobbes, Knife and Timmy Icanhaz delve deeper into the ruins of Castle Maiandra, where they discover danger, death, and betrayal.

After discovering the tracks leading through the sealed door, Calamari, Hobbes, Knife, Maxi and Timmy decide to venture within, leaving Potina and Sir Crayon outside to literally man the fort.

Entering the next area, the group discovered a spiraling ramp leading downwards, into an area filled with alchemical apparatus. Looting the area, Timmy discovered a token, which conferred some minor protection against cold to him.

They passed through this area, into the next, a similar chamber with a ramp, this time filled with piles of bones. A scrap of magical armor caught Timmy's eye, and after the party dug it out, Maxi decided to strap it on. It was well made, and certainly made him feel bolder and safer.

In the next area, the party discovered a battered down door, but they also noticed a second one on the ceiling. Timmy clambered up to inspect it, and found a series of holes in the eye sockets of the figures depicted on the seals. He also noticed that there were switches in them, and stuck both his hands in, to activate the switches. Unfortunately, it was a cunning trap, and Timmy's fingers were neatly severed.

After climbing down (sans fingers), he discovered that there was a cryptic note and a sequence to pressing the switches: East, West, West, East. And when he pressed in order, the portal opened, and bricks started floating downwards, forming a stair.

Moving up, the party discovered an ancient library filled with books. They also noticed an unusual mirror, which Maxi approached. Noticing that it was a portal of some sort, Maxi entered it, taking his light source with him.

As the room below plunged into darkness, the stair disappeared, Hobbes casted a spell to create dancing lights. What he saw, however, spooked him. Shadows were peeling themselves off the walls, and these shadows were turning into solid doubles of the party, which started to attack. Meanwhile, Maxi discovered an emerald tablet in the room behind the mirror, and was fascinated with trying to get it loose.

The party fought as best they could, though they had difficulty seeing in the dark - which their shadowy counterparts clearly had no trouble with, and were quickly beaten back. Gravely injured, Calamari escaped into a Rope Trick, taking the chance to be teleported far and away, rather than slain, and managed to somehow make his way out of the trapped space.

Hobbes was frozen by his own deadly breath, and then stabbed in the back by Knife's double, while Timmy was harassed and chased by his own little clone. Eventually, Maxi stuck his head out of the mirror room, and noticed that the rest of the party was out for the count except for Timmy, who had destroyed his own double. With just the two of them in the secret area, they decided to slay the unconscious Hobbes and steal his treasures.

Eventually, the group returned to the fortified tower and rested, to venture in again the following day.

This time, when the group returned to the secret chamber, they discovered that several new foot prints led in the direction, and when they arrived, noticed a cloaked figure and a large, armored man standing beneath the hidden chamber.

Timmy confronted the cloaked figure, thinking it was Rumbolt, but as it turned out, it wasn't. The figure caught Timmy by surprise with a spell attack, and battle was joined. With some effort, the group finally managed to down the cloaked figure, but the armored man was still uncontrollable, and attacking at random. That was when Maxi decided to use the glowing tablet he'd looted, and discovered he could command the creature.

Ordering it to step down, and with the threat initially averted, the party proceeded to investigate the final chamber, which turned out to be a lavish tomb with a cracked sarcophagus.

Studying the tomb, they realized that it was the tomb of the Wych King of Maiandra, and by examining the portrait behind the sarcophagus, uncovered that there was an inscription stating that the Wych King was a blight that had to be sealed away with the High Marshal's Sword and the Shieldmaiden's Spear.

They also discovered a magical glow behind the wall, which yielded a teleportation circle. Potina tried to shove Calamari through the circle, but failed, and fell through it instead. She was soon joined by Sir Crayon, while the others, thinking they were finally rid of the two, ventured back upstairs the normal way.

They immediately heard a cry for help from the moat, which turned out to be Potina. The cry was cut off abruptly. Maxi and his new armored pet went outside to investigate, and noticed both Potina and Crayon lying still.

He had the golem drag them both back, and after they were pulled into the safe room, sprang an evil and dastardly surprise attack.

Potina shot Timmy with her crossbow and killed him instantly with a sneak attack, while Sir Crayon grappled Calamari. Knife chose this time to flee, leaving Maxi and his golem alone with the turncoats.

Potina and Crayon had conspired to ambush the party to seize the golem, and were now putting their plans to fruition. With Calamari grappled, he was easily shot by Potina with the crossbow, and then the two ganged up on Maxi.

Maxi managed to keep his golem in between himself and Sir Crayon, and did his best to survive. He even fought back, forcing Potina and Sir Crayon to flee. It became a war of attrition, with them exchanging crossbow shots across the courtyard of the keep. Eventually, Potina scored a lucky shot, which knocked out Maxi when he was out of range of his golem, causing it to become inert.

The evil duo then stole the golem, and rode off into the sunset.

And that concludes Wicked! A Fontian Adventure.

Next week, our players come back as heroes and bounty seekers from the Holy Empire of Garamond and the goodly lands around Colonna, ready to hunt for Potina and Sir Crayon.

What will become of Wicked, turned Not So Wicked? Stay tuned to find out!

Wicked! Tomb Raider!

In our sixth instalment of Wicked! A Fontian Adventure, our villains - Callahan Calamari, Potina, Sir Crayon, Thomas Hobbes, Knife and the elusively mysterious Timmy Icanhaz embark on their round trip through the Maiandran countryside, looting and pwning (and getting pwned) along the way.

After a falling out with Marshal Martlett, Timmy Icanhaz, the mysteriously black robed, unsmiley-faced individual who had aided the group in closing the rift and distracting the jellyfishes of doom decided to join the party.

He didn't join the party, but so much as insist on joining them, which resulted in him being blinded by Calamari, shot with a crossbow and punted in the 'nads by Potina's club. Eventually, after yielding and crying uncle, the party decided to have him along, since he'd make a useful guide in this here parts, and an extra warm body for the monsters.

As it turned out, Timmy was a member of the Schwartzwaffel, a secret corps of spies and operatives set up by the Marshal to handle covert activities of an intelligent nature that was comprised of mostly magic users. Timmy also brought with him some interesting news and rumors about the goings on in Maiandra - stuff that could prove possibly lucrative for our money minded peeps.

It seemed that a lode of mithral had been recently discovered in a mine a day's ride to the west. The only issue with the mine, though, is that it's in a geographically unstable area beset by constant tremors.

There was, of course, a safer option, and that was the proliferation of burial mounds and ruins to the north, near the remains of the old empire. It was not uncommon for grave robbers to pilfer from the burial mounds, as many of these were the tombs of the hierarchs from the past - ministers and magistrates who owned great wealth.

The ruins of Castle Maiandra, too, lay in that direction, and the Schwartzwaffel even had a presence there. If the Marshal had seen fit to post a guard, then surely there was something important there. The Schwartzwaffel had uncovered many magical treasures there in the past, and it was certain there were likely more in the lower levels, which had not yet been explored or breached.

Lured by the prospect of easy money, the party naturally gravitated north - towards the ruins of Castle Maiandra. They found the ride easy and relaxing - for a country full of ignorant folk, Maiandra was surprisingly peaceful. Plains covered with grass and farm produce quickly gave way to hilly screes and mounds that dotted the landscape. Eventually, the party crested a hill, where they noticed what appeared to be ruined grave markers poking suspiciously out of the dirt.

The group decided to investigate, and Potina began digging through the earth with her spoon. She eventually uncovered a whole skeleton that seemed to have in its grasp bits of jewelry. These were completely not magical, as Calamari noticed. But his spell did pick out a protective aura deeper in the earth, and the party soon uncovered what appeared to be a circular stone hatch wedged into the ground like a plug.

It had an inscription on it that said "This is the tomb of a hierarch. Sayeth ye the magic number, and ye shall pass. Sayeth ye wrong and ye shall be cursed."

There was also some fine print, which Timmy could read. It turned out be a trap, however, and blew up in Timmy's face. Fortunately, his face was not badly scarred.

Delving into the tomb, the party discovered a statue of the hierarch, holding an orb in its left hand and with his right held up in a gesture of benediction. Calamari recalled that the position of the orb was odd, and Hobbes suggested that they switch the orb to the right hand.

When they did this, a passageway opened up, leading deeper into the tomb. Knife decided to investigate, but without realizing it, triggered two pendulum blade traps which sliced him somewhat. Surviving the slashes, he reached a second circular door, inscribed with the words "Show ye respect to the hierarch".

Instinctively, Knife raised his sword in a salute, which caught a shaft of light emanating from the roof and threw it on the door. The door creaked open, to reveal a second statue, except this time the statue was holding both an orb AND a scepter.

After disabling the pendulum trap outside, the party entered the room. Knife, being curious, removed the scepter as everyone crowded around the statue. It wasn't such a good idea, it seemed, because the shade of the hierarch manifested.

Worse, it went for the nearest target, taking a swipe out of Timmy. It then began to doggedly pursue our adventurers, hounding them back into the tunnel (which triggered the trap again, and in a bad way). Hobbes peppered the ghost with magic missiles, which diminished its form a bit.

Unfortunately, Hobbes was cut by the trap as he retreated from the ghost, and was knocked out. Potina strategically withdrew to call for help from Sir Crayon, which Calamari stayed hidden and invisible, trying to find a way to break through.

Finally, Calamari was able to retrieve the scepter from Knife, and used to to lay the spirit of the dead hierarch to good, supposedly. The party then escaped, and rode like Hell was after them, in the direction of Castle Maiandra.

Reaching the castle at close to the 10th candlemark, they soon started checking for signs of habitation and the other Schwartzwaffel agent. Pity, however, that they couldn't find anything of value - either in the watch tower, and in the outer perimeters.

They also discovered that the sending stone in the tower had been tampered with, and that it was made to repeat the same message over and over at correct intervals. They decide to call it a night, resting and preparing spells. Sir Crayon, however, was digging outside the castle, hoping to make a location he could use to keep an eye out for trouble.

The following day, the party proceeded to investigate the upper stories, aided the maps kept in the watch tower. They discovered several leftover items, the workshop where a statue of a 20-ft tall man had been stored but was now empty, as well as a painting depicting the Maiandran ruler from 400 years ago, which looked rather familiar, in a Marshal-ish kind of way.

Concluding their sweep, the party ventually finds a pair of double doors, inscribed with magical symbols, as well as an inscription on the door that stated "Blood calls to like. Herein lies the legacy of the Maiandran empire."

Both Calamari and Hobbes tried to figure out how to open the door, except they realized on close inspection that they didn't need to.

Somebody had opened it already - somebody with a pair of giant sized feet, and somebody with normal sized ones.

What made those prints, and was it safe to continue through the doors?

Stay tuned to Wicked! A Fontian Adventure to find out!

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Experience, Loot and so Forth:

Everyone gains 1,000 xp for Session 6.

1. Gold Orb (x2, 1 magical, 1 normal) - Transmutation aura. Unspecified monetary value.

2. Maps of Castle Maiandra - Map showing everything on the above ground floors

3. Infinite Scrollcase - Awarded by Marshal Martlett for services rendered. Taken by Callahan.

4. Library access - Awarded by Marshal Martlett for services rendered. Arcane casters may study from his library while in Maiandra.

5. Misc. souvenirs and accessories - 500 gp worth, split 5 ways for 100 gp each.

Wicked! On His Marshal's Secret Service

In our fifth instalment of Wicked! A Fontian Adventure, our villains - Callahan Calamari, Maximilian Facsimile, Potina, Sir Crayon and Thomas Hobbes arrive in Maiandra, only to be swept up in the wake of political upheaval, magical mysteries, and sinister seafood as they seek the location of Trag Boulderfist, the representative of Boss Cromag's cartel in the land of the 1337 and Pwnty.

It wasn't difficult for the group to sift through rumors (and there were rumors aplenty here where everyone worships Typo) about what had happened to the Salty Wench. There were stories alternating between the creative and far-fetched fantasy that described how the tavern had been blown up by the bad guys, that the orcs had invented rapidly expanding soap, that they had been abducted by aliens, and that sinister forces were at work. :o

With few avenues to pursue, the group decided to pay the Marshal of the city, Lord Martlett, a visit. The Marshal's keep was on a high bluff, and though they arrived unmolested, there was a feeling that the group was constantly being watched. They were let into the keep, which was sparsely staffed by servants (and thronging with guards), where they had their audience with the Marshal.

As it turned out, the Marshal was an unusual fellow. He was intelligent, well read, and didn't Hurhurhur like the rest of his countrymen. He was also the spitting image of Alan Rickman, in his Sheriffy aspect. The party was received warmly, and given free run of the keep as the Marshal's esteemed guests for their associations with Boss Cromag, with one sole caveat. They were forbidden to visit the tower in the back of the keep, by the cliff. It was rickety and dangerous, and was due for renovations, the Marshal claimed.

Naturally, being wicked cutthroats, villains and rebels without a clause, the party chose to snoop around the keep, searching for treasure to pillage, items to pilfer, and secrets to score. Callahan discovered that the Marshal had a great interest in arcane matters pertaining to transmutation and stupidity inducing effects, as well as a locked drawer in the library, while Sir Crayon entertained the Marshal at jousts and discussed military strategy to keep him occupied. Potina, of course, pottered around the keep, and discovered a secret passage by the back wall, near the privies.

While the others were at the keep, Maxi was skulking about town, finding out more about the Marshal and the local toot. He managed to corner a hippie hipster in a tavern that proved to be smarter than the average schmoe, and figured out that there was a conspiracy at work - just not the sort that the group had had in mind. There were sketchy individuals in Maiandra, hiding in the shadows wearing black cloaks and unhappy face pins, and these people were supposedly responsible for the sabotage at the Salty Wench. There were even rumors that these folks were part of the Marshal's Secret Service! :o

Returning, the group convened near the secret passage Potina had discovered, and proceeded to traverse it. Following the tunnel under the wall of the keep, they came up towards a trap door, behind which they heard the sounds of machinery and chatty orcs complaining about tight schedules.

Disguised as an orc kid, Potina clambered out of the tunnel, and convinced the orcs in there that she and her companions had been sent to help with whatever they were doing. As it turned out, the lead orc here (there were 3 of them) was Trag Boulderfist himself, and he'd been situated here with his apparatus after the Wench had been blown up, to help the Marshal with a task.

The task, as the group discovered, was the study of the local waters, and the pinpointing of a magical rift that the Marshal suspected was the cause of the stupidity and inbred hurhurhuring of Maiandra's populace. They also pieced together the fact that the Wench had exploded shortly after a visit by several figures in black robes wearing the unhappy face pin.

Armed with this information, they returned to the Marshal, where they offered to help close the rift, to secure both the Marshal's goodwill and very possibly a sizeable reward. The Marshal acquiesced, and offered to provide magical aid to help make the trip down smoother.

Once they were properly girded and provisioned, they decided to make their first descent, from the harbor. It didn't take the party long to swim through the waters towards the gate, which looked like a giant, clam shaped rip in reality surrounded by clusters of twisted coral and hairy seaweed. A cloak the Marshal had provided, which turned Sir Crayon into a manta ray they could cling to, helped them easily navigate the waters. They were also accompanied by Knife, one of the Marshal's warriors in this endeavor.

After studying the rift, Maxi picked up one of the nearby fish, tied a rock to it, and threw it into the rift. At first, nothing happened, but after a few shuddery moments, two large creatures emerged from the rift - frogs with mottled green and red skin, mouths filled with razor teeth, and the arms and legs of humans. After defeating these two creatures, Knife recklessly jumped through the portal, and found himself floating in a black void filled with stars. In the distance, more of the frog creatures were clustered around a large oval rock that seemed like a burnt out star. He withdrew through the portal, and the party decided to beat a hasty retreat when they discovered their magic could not close the rift.

Returning to the Marshal, the party was told that they had likely been through the rift into Limbo, a plane of absolute chaos and confusion, and the Marshal identified the frog creature as a slaad, one of the plane's intelligent denizens. He then suggested that the group should return, and destroy the dead star in the rift, because that was likely what kept the rift open. He also mentioned that crossing the rift was hazardous, and that he could make an oil to stave off the dangers the rift could pose, but that it would possibly attract monsters.

The following day, the party attempted to close the rift again. This time, they descended with greater care, and carefully made their way through the portal after oiling themselves up. Most of them did, anyway. Hobbes didn't, and he realized to his chagrin that he was much changed by the swirling chaotic energies - he was a halfling now, and no longer human.

As the party wondered at the sudden transformation, they began to wonder about what the Marshal had warned about. Maxi smeared a dab of oil on a rock, and tossed it away from him. As it floated through the Limbo plane, something snatched it up and it vanished. Knife shot a crossbow bolt in the direction of a movement he saw, and a creature that looked like a mutated cucumber appeared. It gibbered at the group, and ran away, but was cut down by several crossbow bolts at once. After giving the creature a once over, the party bagged its body and continued forward.

They soon came to the dead star, which they discovered hovered in Limbo and was close to 40-ft wide. They also spied several cocoons dangling from beneath the star, containing sleeping frog creatures.

Maxi smacked one of them, while Knife prodded the star with his knife, and as the creature died, it shrieked and woke the remaining Slaadi. They massed and attacked the party, but were dispatched pretty easily. However, several of them closed and quickly fused, becoming much larger than they previously were. The big slaad then attacked and grabbed Sir Crayon, while the dead star, which turned out to be not so dead afterall, rolled around, revealing beady eyes and a curvy mouth.

It was some primordial titan, and it had secreted the slaadi, and now that it was awake, it was ready to rickroll the party. And it did. It spat clouds of chaotic energy at the group, healing the big slaad and weakening our villains, and proceeded to bowl them over with its bulk. It was also resistant to most of the spells and attacks of the group, and it took all their effort just to stay alive and out of reach.

Just then, a black cloaked figure with an unhappy face pin popped out of nowhere and blasted the titanic goo ball, before disappearing again. It was an opening the party needed, and they laid into the goo ball with their combined range and spell attacks. Potina delivered the death blow with a well placed crossbow bolt, and as the goo ball deflated, they realized the portal, too was going to close.

Rushing through and holding hands, Callahan activated a scroll the Marshal had provided, teleporting the group back to the surface.

Their mysterious benefactor, though... well, that was a story for another time.

So don't miss next week's installment of Wicked! A Fontian Adventure.

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Experience, Loot and so Forth:

Everyone gains 1,500 xp for Session 5.

Items looted from Afro's Corpse

1. Plate Armor +1 - Sold for a share of 100 g each.

2. Heavy Steel Shield +1 - Shield Bonus to AC +3, grabbed by Sir Crayon

3. Cloak of Resistance +1 - Nicked by Maxi.

4. Amulet of Vermin - 1/day summon a Giant Scorpion. Nicked by Maxi.

5. Tunic of Steady Spellcasting - +5 to Concentration checks. Stolen by Callahan.

6. Healing Belt - +2 Heal checks, 2d8 or more healing up to 3/day. Taken by Callahan.

Items given by Marshal Martlett

1. Cloak of the Manta Ray - Turns the wearer into a manta ray when he enters salt water.

2. Wand of Water Breathing (11th level) - 3 charges. 1 charge was used, so 2 charges left.

3. Scroll of Dimension Door (11th level) - 1 charge. Used to teleport out of the water. It's gone! :P

Items found in the corpse of the cucumber

Cutting open the cucumber monster, the party realizes that it's gullet contains the following items:

1. A bag of Tricked Dice - A bag containing 7 six-sided dice made of a curious, chalky material. Whenever you make a reroll using either your Session Reroll or Level Reroll, you may use a Tricked Die to add 1d6 to the result of your Reroll. Regardless of the result, Tricked Dice crumble into dust after being used.

2. A Ring of Feather Falling

3. A gross looking piece of purple gummy - this gross looking bit of space gunk adheres to your upper palate and refuses to go away. The gummy is actually a symbiotic creature called a Gummy Worm. While attached, the host has both his Charisma and Wisdom scores reduced by 2. However, the host is immune to poison. Additionally, 3/day, the host can extend a gummy tendril as a melee touch attack (with a reach of 15-ft). On a successful hit, the target takes 4d6 poison damage (Fort save DC 13 for half).